On July 21, Chicago police were called to Lake Michigan because someone in a boat complained that he’d been hit in the chest by a pink water balloon. The man who’d been hit was transferred to a medical center for treatment.

You can read the police report at this link. It’s thorough and objective – but it’s also written according to outdated report writing principles.

One immediate problem is that there are only seven periods in a report that’s 191 words long. That means each sentence averages 27 words – far too long.

Here’s one of those overlong sentences. It’s 39 words long:

UPON ARRIVAL R/OS SPOKE WITH LISTED VICTIM WHO STATED HE WAS HIT WITH A WATER BALLOON BY AN OCCUPANT ON A VESSEL CALLED [REDACTED] VICTIM COULD NOT POSITIVELY IDENTIFY WHO EXACTLY LAUNCHED THE BALLOON THAT STUCK HIM IN THE CHEST.

Another issue is that unwanted words and awkward expressions crept in. (I’ll discuss some of them in a moment.)

Part of the problem is that busy police officers don’t have time for elegant, carefully crafted sentences. But with practice, any writer can start making gradual improvements that – over time – add up.

Let’s try it with the example I gave you.

• Delete “upon arrival.”
• Don’t say that you spoke with the victim. If he told you something, obviously you were there, and the two of you were talking. (That’s what cops do!)
• Just call him a victim. “Listed victim” doesn’t add anything useful.
• The report says the victim couldn’t positively identify “who exactly launched the balloon.” There’s no difference between “launched the balloon” and “exactly launched the balloon.” Getting rid of unnecessary words makes your writing more efficient and professional. It’s an important habit to develop, especially if you’re hoping for a promotion later on.
• Call it a boat, not a vessel. Be as specific as you can.
• The balloon struck (not stuck) the victim.
• And – of course – you need periods.

Here’s an improved version of the sentence:

THE VICTIM SAID HE WAS HIT WITH A WATER BALLOON BY AN OCCUPANT ON A BOAT CALLED [REDACTED]. THE VICTIM COULD NOT POSITIVELY IDENTIFY WHO LAUNCHED THE BALLOON THAT STUCK HIM IN THE CHEST.

But let’s make it really professional. Here’s my preferred version:

THE VICTIM SAID SOMEONE IN A BOAT CALLED [REDACTED] HIT HIM IN THE CHEST WITH A WATER BALLOON.  THE VICTIM COULDN’T IDENTIFY THE PERSON WHO LAUNCHED THE BALLOON.

The new version is 30 words long – and has every bit of information that was in the 38-word version. It’s almost 30% shorter.

Think about all the reports you write in a year. Suppose you could make each report 30% shorter – without losing any information. Think of the time you’d save! And your reports would sound more professional.

Then consider the time you’d save your supervisor, the district attorney, the defense attorney, and everyone else who might read a report.

Many officers dislike report writing. It’s one of the downsides of an exciting and rewarding career. But there’s an upside as well. You get more writing practice than most professionals in other fields. That means every shift gives you an opportunity to improve your writing skills.

You don’t have to try to be an Ernest Hemingway. (But what a crisp, efficient writer he was!) Start slowly. Make one improvement in each report. Eliminate one piece of jargon. Change one sentence to active voice.

Over time, the improvement in your writing will astonish you. And – trust me – the people who read your reports will notice too…and be impressed.

On August 12, a Florida woman threw an Amazon Fire TV Cube at her husband. Police charged her with domestic battery. You can read the story and the probable cause affidavit by clicking the link.

I’m going to play detective here and make some guesses about the officer who wrote the affidavit. It’s someone who’s been to college, or had a superb English teacher in high school – or maybe it’s someone who’s done a lot of reading and has been thinking about becoming a professional writer.

In other words, this officer is a skilled writer. How do I know that? This sentence gives it away:

Some of the items just broke or spilled throughout the apartment; however, two of the objects, solid hard plastic cube (Alexa cube) approximately 2.5 inches all the way around and the other was a large metal Tervis cup (possibly 26 oz) struck Matthew on his face/head.

Excellent writing! Very few people use however correctly. Most people (not just officers) try to string sentences together with however and a comma. Here’s an example:

Jane assured me nothing was wrong, however I could see her hands shaking.  WRONG

You need a period or a semicolon:

Jane assured me nothing was wrong. However, I could see her hands shaking.  CORRECT

Jane assured me nothing was wrong; however, I could see her hands shaking.  CORRECT

But here’s what I also noted about the report. There are several errors. “Todays date” should be “today’s date” – and shouldn’t be mentioned at all (it’s already stated elsewhere on the affidavit).

There’s a passive voice sentence at the end: No marks were seen on her. Who was looking for them? Probably the officer. Own your observations and actions: “I didn’t see any marks on her.”

And take a look at this sentence:

Matthew had a cut on his right side of his face on the chin area, a large knot on the left side of his head and a cut on his Matthew went to towards her and hit her on the left side of the face/eye.

I suspect the officer was rushed and didn’t go back to fix this one. “A cut on his” runs into the next sentence. “To towards her” has an extra word.

If he had a cut on the left side of his eye, of course it was on his face. And what’s the difference between a chin and a chin area?

Saying what you mean is a great timesaver:

He had a cut on his chin. He had a cut on the left side of his eye.

Many officers are excellent writers. But no matter how good you are, errors can creep in. (I’m a professional writer myself, and my own mistakes sometimes surprise and embarrass me.)

Reread your report before you submit it. If it’s a complicated report – or you don’t always feel confident about your writing – compose it on a PC or Mac first. Use the spellchecker and grammar checker. Then – and only then – you’re ready to paste it into your laptop, read it one more time, and click submit.

Here’s an additional suggestion: ask a friend or fellow officer to read your report before you submit it. People often form an opinion of you based on your writing skills. Why not take an extra few minutes to ensure you’ve done an excellent report?

I’m always looking for police reports to discuss on this blog. Here’s one I came across in my files. What’s your opinion? (My comments appear below.)

On the above t/d/l, def did have a large knife in his hand and was threatening to kill himself and officers with that knife also stated had a gun but no gun was recovered def did refuse to drop the knife and did start coming towards officers in an aggressive manner. SWAT was called out.

I found this report odd. One feature that immediately caught my eye was the unnecessary “did”: “def did have a large knife….” “def did refuse to drop the knife and did start coming….”

I was also puzzled by the lack of periods and capital letters. The repeated “def” (short for “defendant”) suggested that the officer was in a hurry to submit the report.

My biggest concern is about this wording: “coming towards officers in an aggressive manner.” That’s too vague for a police report, and it opens the door to a challenge from a defense attorney. One person’s “aggressive manner’ could be another person’s normal behavior. (I’m from New York, so my threshold for “aggressive” may be different from someone else’s.

I wish I knew the backstory here. Perhaps the officer was unusually busy and didn’t have time to use professional practices. The unnecessary “did” may be a leftover from school days and an old-fashioned teacher.

Here are some questions for you to think about:

• If you were a supervisor, would you insist on a rewrite – or let this one go? Or would you fix it yourself?
• Does your agency have consistent policies about the minimum standards for a report?
• Who makes those decisions?
• If follow-ups are needed, who deals with them?

The time to make these decisions is before a problematic report is submitted. Every officer should know beforehand what the standards are – and where to go if there are questions or problems.

I hear more usage questions about although than any other word. Officers are especially concerned about when to use commas and where the commas go. So today I’m going to give you a quick refresher.

Here’s how one officer used although a police report. What do you think? Is it written correctly?

Bates told me that he liked Lindt and trusted her. Although, he had caught her in lies several times over the years.

If you found two problems, you’re right. First, you can never put a comma after although. Second, any sentence that starts with although is an extra idea and can’t stand alone. It has to be attached to another sentence.

It’s easy to solve both problems, and there are two ways to do it:

Bates told me that he liked Lindt and trusted her although he had caught her in lies several times over the years.  CORRECT

Although he had caught Lindt in lies several times over the years, Bates told me that he liked her and trusted her.  CORRECT

Here’s one more question I sometimes hear: Can you start a sentence with although? Yes, of course. You can use any word in the English language to start a sentence.

Like and which can be tricky, however. I’d avoid starting sentences with them. But you can start sentences with but, and, because, although, and just about any other word.

I’m a professional writer, and I have to be careful with English usage. And because you write in connection with your career, you’re a professional writer too.

Kathy Dobie is a writer who spent several months watching a highly professional sex crimes unit at work. Her in-depth article for the New York Times Magazine covers the challenges the unit has to deal with (legal limitations, budget problems, uncooperative victims, outdated beliefs about what constitutes rape, and more).

Today I’m going to look at a recent police report that could use an update. In a moment I’ll explain how to write it in 2019 style – and why that’s a good idea.

On July 25, a Florida woman punched her partner in the face and then spat at him. You can read the story and the police report here: http://thesmokinggun.com/documents/crime/meat-potatoes-battery-675291

Here are selections from the police report:

On the listed date and time the defendant Carroll Kimberly, did violate. F.S.S 784.03-1A1 committing the offense of simple battery (Domestic Related) within Manatee County, FL. I was dispatched to the scene of a domestic incident. Upon arrival the victim was alleging that following occurred with Carroll Kimberly, his girlfriend of five years.  The victim alleges that the defendant was arguing with him about bow be cut the meat and potatoes for their dinner. The verbal altercation escalated when the defendant struck the victim in the face with a closed fist one time….

The defendant was placed under arrest and transported to the Manatee County jail without incident.
The victim was asked “Do you have any information or views you wish to be expressed to the court?” in which responded “No”.

And here are my comments:

• Everything in red (below) can be omitted. It’s stated elsewhere on the form the officer filled out. Busy officers don’t need to repeat themselves just because “that’s how we’ve always done it.”
• There’s a ghost at work here! The report doesn’t name who asked the question (“Do you have any information or views….?) or who drove the woman to jail. (“The defendant was placed”) (“The victim was asked”). A police report needs to be complete, making it clear who did what.
• Use simple English. It’s an argument, not a “verbal altercation.” 
• Omit opinions and conclusions: “The verbal altercation escalated.” Just state what happened: She struck him in the face.
• Use names: “Kimberley,” not “the defendant.”
• There’s no such thing as an “open fist,” so it’s pointless to write “closed fist.” (My thanks to Greg Buchkoski for this point.)

Here’s my revision. Notice that it’s much more efficient. Police officers are busy people!

On the listed date and time the defendant Carroll Kimberly, did violate. F.C.S 7.1.03.1A1 committing the offense of simple battery (Domestic Related) within Manatee County, FL. I was dispatched to the scene of a domestic incident. Upon arrival the victim was alleging that following occurred with John Smith told me that Carroll Kimberly is his girlfriend of five years. They were arguing about how he cut the meat and potatoes for their dinner. She hit him once in the face with her fist….

I arrested and transported her to the Manatee County jail without incident.
I asked her, “Do you have any information or views you wish to be expressed to the court?” She said “No.”

On July 19, Georgia lawmaker Erica Thomas claimed that she was threatened by a man who thought she was misusing the express lane at a Publix supermarket. No charges were filed.

You can read the story and the police report at this link: https://dailycaller.com/2019/07/23/police-report-released-erica-thomas-eric-sparkes/

The report is worth reading: it’s well-written, objective, and thorough. What’s especially noteworthy are the steps the officer followed to investigate the incident. He interviewed the two people involved, and then he talked to other store employees and customers who had seen what happened. The investigation also included looking at surveillance video.

This report might be a good one to review with cadets or new officers.  It demonstrates:

1. how to perform an investigation
2. how to report information from several sources

It’s refreshing to read a police report with no jargon! The report consistently says “told” and “said” rather than the annoying “advised.” Well done – and well worth reading.

If you’re an instructor or supervisor who often comes across errors when you read police reports, today’s post is for you.

The bad news is that many of those errors are caused by diction problems. The good news is that the problem is easy to solve.

Diction refers to the language choices that people make. Right off the bat that explanation might sound strange to you. Words fill our days, and most of those words come out of our mouths automatically. We rarely slow down and think about choices in everyday conversation.

And that’s the problem!

When officers write badly, it’s often because they’re carrying their conversational habits over to their reports: “didn’t have none,” “him and I,” “I seen,” and so on.

But there’s an easy remedy. Most people have had plenty of exposure to Standard English through school, television, radio, movies, and so on. If they stop to think about what they’ve just said or written, they’ll pick up mistakes right away.

It all comes down to who’s in charge. If you’re an instructor or supervisor who fixes all the mistakes yourself, officers have little reason to slow down and write more carefully. But if you hand back the offending report and insist on a rewrite without the mistakes, you’ll soon start seeing better reports.

You get what you ask for!

On July 1, a Florida man threw packets of sweet-and-sour sauce at a woman in a Tampa McDonald’s. You can read about the incident and view the police report at this link: http://thesmokinggun.com/documents/stupid/arrested-for-mcdonalds-condiment-battery-719052

The report is thorough and objective. The officer recorded exactly what happened in detail.

But up-to-date writing methods would make the report more efficient and professional. Here’s a portion for you to read. What changes would you make?

At the above location I made contact with the Victim who advised they were involved in a physical altercation with the Defendant/father of their child. The Victim advised the Defendant became angry with them when they bought the wrong food from McDonalds. The Victim advised a verbal argument ensued in which the Defendant began striking them with sweet and sour sauce packets in the head and face area.

Here are my comments:

• “At the above location” is inefficient and doesn’t add anything useful
• Don’t use “advised” when you mean told or said. Here’s one reason why: when you read “The Victim advised the Defendant….” it sounds as if she was counseling him. But what she’s really doing is telling her story. It would be better to write “She told me that Ferrer….”
• Use names, not Victim and Defendant
• Use plain words: “argument” (not verbal argument) and “fight” (not “physical fight”)
• A list would be more efficient. Writing “The Defendant advised” over and over just wastes time without adding anything useful.

Here’s my version.

I met with the victim. She told me:

• Jesus Oscar Ferrer is the father of her child
• She bought the wrong food from McDonald’s
• Ferrer struck her head and face with sweet-and-sour sauce packets
• She grabbed his beard
• Ferrer pinned her to the ground, placed his palm on her face, and pressed her head into the ground
• She ripped off a chunk of his beard
• He let her go and fled

I saw bruises and scratches on her face and head.

The original police report uses 152 words to record this information. But the list requires only 82 words – a great saving of time and energy for a busy police officer. (If you do the math, my version is 46% shorter.)

Many police agencies are making efficient police reports a priority. Is your agency encouraging officers to make every word count when they write a report?

The #MeToo movement has made many people aware of the problem of sexual assault. Rape charges are always complicated to investigate and prosecute – and the police report is an important part of the process.

I just went into my files and found an excellent example of a police report from a 2015 accusation. You can read it at this link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/0BzdI8i7OzDP8UnFpZVVPVXV6Ym4wNWo3X25fUUNZTGZFNmFr/view

The officer had to deal with several challenges during this investigation. One problem is that the alleged rapist couldn’t be located at the time, but there were five other interviews: the alleged victim and four other students.

Rather than trying to sort through all five accounts, the officer wrote a separate paragraph for each one. That organizational system insures that each account is complete and easy to understand (qualities appreciated by anyone who needs to refer to it later – a judge, reporter, or attorney.

The news story (which you can read at this link) can also be a useful starting point for a discussion of the challenges that can arise during a rape investigation.

I have only one suggestion: the report often uses “advised” instead of told or said. Police jargon is never a good idea when you know that many people outside of law enforcement may be reading what you’ve written.