On November 3, a 16-year-old high school student attacked Principal Tricia Lampron. The punches were so violent that Lampron passed out for four minutes. Lampron has been released from the hospital and is recovering at home.

The student was charged with Assault and Battery on a Person Over 60, Assault and Battery Causing Serious Injury, and two counts of Assault and Battery on a Public Employee.

You can read more at this link.

So far no one has posted the complete police report online. Today I’m going to use the news report and excerpts from news coverage to make a couple of points about effective writing.

1.  Let’s start with the headline to the news story:

Police report: Boston student punched principal, pulled her hair because she was ‘following her’

Her is confusing: there are two females in the story. Here’s my version:

Police report: Boston student punched principal, pulled her hair because principal was ‘following her’

I can hear some gasps. Are you allowed to repeat a word in a sentence? Yes, of course! Clarity should always be your priority.

2.  Now let’s look at the report:

“…a Safety Service Officer stated he saw the suspect arguing with victim2 then shortly after saw the suspect strike victim 2 while pulling victim 2′s hair.”

“Witness 4 stated he observed victim 2 “completely knocked out” for at least 4 minutes.”

After 4 long minutes that same witness says: “…when victim 2 became conscious she did not know where she was and began crying uncontrollably.”

Many agencies are still using “Victim 1,” “Victim 2,” Suspect 1,” and so on. Officers always tell me that those terms are a huge pain in the neck: names would be much easier. The terms are equally confusing to anyone who’s reading the report.

Why do agencies continue to require this nonsensical practice? I’ve asked many administrators for a reason – and no one has been able to give me an answer. Well, sometimes someone will say, “It’s more objective.” Okay – then why don’t officers use those terms in court? Again (no surprise!) nobody can answer that question.

Here’s the real answer: “Business as usual.” That’s not how professionals are supposed to think!

Here’s a common-sense principle for you: Use names whenever possible. Yes, sometimes there’s a privacy issue. But in this report, there’s no reason to conceal the principal’s name.

This short quiz will help you sharpen your writing skills. Answers are posted below.

Part I  Correct the mistakes in the sentence below. A sentence may have more than one mistake – or none.

1.  An announcement from the mayor is imminent.

2.  I questioned Jane Appleby, a Registered Nurse, about policies for protecting patient’s private property.

Part II  Read the sentence pairs below. Which is more appropriate for a police report – a or b?

a)  I questioned Joe Faulkner, the office manager. He told me that Carol Palmer had a key to the office safe.
b)  Upon arrival, I questioned Joe Faulkner, the office manager. I asked him whether Carol Palmer had a key to the office safe. Faulkner answered in the affirmative.

a)  R/O interviewed Suspect 1 in reference to her whereabouts between 1 and 3 PM the previous afternoon. Suspect 1’s answers were evasive.
b)  I asked Becky Luce where she had been yesterday between 1 and 3 PM. She started talking about problems she was having with her mother-in-law. I asked the same question again. She told me that I was too nosy, and I should try to curb my curiosity. When I asked the same question a third time, she said that she couldn’t keep track of the time because she forgot to charge her phone.

ANSWERS

Part I  

1.  An announcement from the mayor is imminent.  CORRECT [Imminent means “happening any minute.” There’s a similar word – eminent – that means “famous.”]

2.  I questioned Jane Appleby, a registered nurse, about policies for protecting patients’ private property. (Lower-case job titles like registered nurse. The policies protect private property of patients: put the apostrophe after the s (patients’ private property).

Part II 

a)  I questioned Joe Faulkner, the office manager. He told me that Carol Palmer had a key to the office safe.  CORRECT
b)  Upon arrival, I questioned Joe Faulkner, the office manager. I asked him whether Carol Palmer had a key to the office safe. Faulkner answered in the affirmative. [Too wordy! Upon arrival is unnecessary: it’s obvious that you were there talking to him. You don’t need to write out your question. Focus on what Palmer told you.]

a)  R/O interviewed Suspect 1 in reference to her whereabouts between 1 and 3 PM the previous afternoon. Suspect 1’s answers were evasive.  [Use I, not R/O. Use the suspect’s name. Evasive is vague. Maybe Luce was having a hard time finding the words she needed, for example. Be specific about what Luce was doing.]
b)  I asked Becky Luce where she had been yesterday between 1 and 3 PM. She started talking about problems she was having with her mother-in-law. I asked the same question again. She told me that I was too nosy, and I should try to curb my curiosity. When I asked the same question a third time, she said that she couldn’t keep track of the time because she forgot to charge her phone.  CORRECT [Yes, this is wordy! But you need to describe exactly what Becky Luce was doing. “Evasive” is an opinion. You need facts – the words and actions that indicate she was evading your questions.]

On September 28, 2021, a Louisiana mother was arrested for the death of her two-year-old daughter, Nevaeh Allen. You can read the story at this link, and you can download the arrest warrant (which includes a narrative) at this link.

The narrative is professional, detailed, and objective. Clearly the officers are experienced professionals who know how to conduct an interview. The writing is clear and efficient. I have a few suggestions, however.

1. This sentence is confusing:

The Defendant became angry and punched the victim in the torso with a closed fist, causing her to fall and forcefully strike her head on a cabinet.

Why “Defendant”? Why not use Gardner’s name?

2.  Another problem is that there are two females in this sentence – Gardner (the child’s mother) and Nevaeh (the victim). That makes “causing her to fall” confusing. The writer needs to make it absolutely clear that her refers to the little girl.

3.  Police jargon slipped in here:

Gardner advised that the victim refused to eat and complained of stomach pain.

Save advised for actual advice! Gardener said that the victim refused to eat. And why is the word “victim” there? Use the child’s name – Nevaeh.

Overall, however, this is an effective report.

In 2015 Jenelle Evans, star of Teen Mom 2, was accused of second-degree harassment. A former friend told police that she had broken off her friendship with Evans – but troublesome phone calls and texts kept coming. You can read the story at this link.

As I’ve often said on this blog, reading actual police reports with a critical eye is an excellent way to develop your own writing skills. Here is the police report about Jenelle Evans:

My reaction: This reads like a traditional police report. It’s thorough, coherent, and objective. Those are good qualities! But it’s also wordy and confusing. 

Here are my suggestions:

• Delete the first sentence. There are spaces on your laptop to type in your name and the date, time, and address. You don’t need to type them again. Police officers are busy!
• Use names. My head spins, reading this and trying to keep “the victim” and “the subject” straight. If you don’t want to release the alleged victim’s name, that’s fine. But there’s nothing wrong with saying “Evans.”
• Write your name instead of “this officer.” Everybody has a name! There’s no reason to be afraid of writing it. Putting your name into your report saves time if somebody needs to talk to you later: they don’t have to search for clues about who wrote the report.
• Stick to the facts. I would delete this wording: “did indirectly threaten the victim’s way of income through her business.” Indirectly is a slippery word! What – exactly – did Evans do? And “through her business” adds more confusion. There are two women, so “her business” could refer to the victim…or to Evans.

This short quiz will help you sharpen your writing skills. Answers are posted below.

1.  What essential piece of information is missing from this sentence?

Porter was patted down, and a small, clear plastic bag of white powder was found in his right front pocket.

2. One of these statements lacks objectivity. Which one?

a)  Porter repeatedly refused to comply with my instructions.

b)  I saw Falton use his left foot to nudge something under the sofa.

3.  Correct the errors in these sentences. A sentence may have more than one error – or none.

a)  The Browns’ were seated at the kitchen table.

b)  Although, we were on time for the meeting, two committee members were late.

c) The proposal sounded rightly to everyone accept Nancy and Vince.

ANSWERS

1.  What essential piece of information is missing from this sentence?

Porter was patted down, and a small, clear plastic bag of white powder was found in his right front pocket.

Answer: Who patted him down and found the bag of powder?
Here’s a better version of the sentence:
I patted down Porter. I found a small, clear plastic bag of white powder in his right front pocket.

2. One of these statements lacks objectivity. Which one?

a)  Porter repeatedly refused to comply with my instructions.  NOT OBJECTIVE

[This is an opinion, not a fact. Perhaps Porter didn’t hear your instructions. Or he may have had a medical condition that prevented him from processing what you were telling him. Another problem is that you didn’t record the instructions you gave him.

Here’s a better sentence: “I told Porter to raise his hands above his head. He said, “No way, you idiot” and folded his arms in front of his chest.”]

b)  I saw Falton use his left foot to nudge something under the sofa.  CORRECT

3.  Correct the errors in these sentences. A sentence may have more than one error – or none.

a)  The Browns were seated at the kitchen table.  [No apostrophe in Browns: it’s a plural word, not a possessive.]

b)  Although we were on time for the meeting, two committee members were late. [Omit the comma after although.]

c) The proposal sounded right to everyone except Nancy and Vince.  [Right, not rightly. Change accept to except.]

In my previous post, I pointed out that lists are sometimes more efficient than long, repetitious sentences.

A recent news story from Fort Wayne, Indiana, about a local politician named Paul Ensley demonstrates how a simple list could save time. Police responded to a disturbance in Ensley’s home and found that Ensley had been struggling with a girlfriend who’d had too much to drink.

Ensley refused to give his name and threatened to have the police officer fired. (Ensley disputes this and says he has a recording to back him up.) You can read the entire report at this link.

Let’s look at one section of the report. In the first version, there’s a sentence for every detail:

ON Monday, 7-MARCH-2016 AT APPROXIMATELY 07:31 HOURS OFFICERS WERE DISPATCHED TO ST JOE CENTER RD AND ARLINGTON PKWY N CONCERNING A DOMESTIC. COMPLAINANT ( ###### ####### ) WHO WAS NOT ON THE SCENE CALLED DISPATCH. COMPLAINANT TOLD DISPATCH THERE WAS A 2 STORY OLDER FARM HOUSE WITH A CAMPER IN FRONT. COMPLAINANT TOLD DISPATCH THE HOUSE WAS JUST EAST OF ARLINGTON PARK ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. THE COMPLAINANT TOLD DISPATCH THE HOUSE SITS ON THE SOUTH SIDE OF THE ROAD. COMPLAINANT TOLD DISPATCH THERE WAS A FEMALE WHITE WITH LONG BLACK HAIR. THE FEMALE WAS APPROXIMATELY 30 YEARS OLD. THE FEMALE WAS WEARING A ORANGE SWEATSHIRT AND BLACK SWEATPANTS. THE FEMALE RAN DOWN THE DRIVEWAY YELLING FOR HELP. THE FEMALE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT HER BOYFRIEND HAD HER KEYS. THE FEMALE WAS CRYING AND UPSET. THE COMPLAINANT OFFERED TO STAND BY WITH HER. THE FEMALE ASKED THE COMPLAINANT TO LEAVE AND CALL THE POLICE FOR HER.

The version below is more efficient. Notice that the report begins with a typical narrative. A list follows, and then the report goes back to the usual narrative format.

On Monday, 7-MARCH-2016 AT APPROXIMATELY 07:31 HOURS OFFICERS WERE DISPATCHED TO ST JOE CENTER RD AND ARLINGTON PKWY N CONCERNING A DOMESTIC.  [narrative]

COMPLAINANT ( ###### ####### ), WHO WAS NOT ON THE SCENE, CALLED DISPATCH. COMPLAINANT TOLD DISPATCH:  [introducing a list]

– THERE WAS A 2 STORY OLDER FARM HOUSE WITH A CAMPER IN FRONT
– THE HOUSE WAS JUST EAST OF ARLINGTON PARK ELEMENTARY SCHOOL ON THE SOUTH SIDE OF THE ROAD
– THERE WAS A FEMALE, WHITE WITH LONG BLACK HAIR, APPROXIMATELY 30 YEARS OLD, WEARING AN ORANGE SWEATSHIRT AND BLACK SWEATPANTS
-SHE RAN DOWN THE DRIVEWAY YELLING FOR HELP
-SHE WAS CRYING AND SAID SOMETHING ABOUT HER BOYFRIEND HAD HER KEYS  [list]

THE COMPLAINANT OFFERED TO STAND BY WITH HER. THE FEMALE ASKED THE COMPLAINANT TO LEAVE AND CALL THE POLICE FOR HER.  [narrative]

Lists are great time savers for police reports! Do you look for places to employ lists in your reports? You should.

Often the answer is yes.

Picture this situation: You’re a police chief in a small city. The mayor sends you a proposal for dealing with homelessness and asks for feedback. You study the proposal, jot down some notes, and write a letter with changes and additional ideas. You include a list of community leaders who might be interested in forming a task force.

Question: Does your entire letter to the mayor have to be written in list format?

Of course not. After you write your response to the proposals, your list of task force members becomes a separate paragraph.

It’s common sense: There’s no need to waste  time writing a separate sentence for each person you’re recommending:

Father John Sullivan from St. Michael’s Church would be an asset to the task force. Captain Toni Lever from the Salvation Army would be an additional asset to the task force. I can also recommend Paula Cohen, principal of Tracy High School. 

A list is much more efficient.

Recommendations for the task force include:

-Father John Sullivan from St. Michael’s Church
-Captain Toni Lever from the Salvation Army
-Paula Cohen, principal of Tracy High School

But time and again, when I’ve urged police officers to incorporate lists into their reports, their panicked response is “I can’t write my whole report as a list!” Nobody is asking you to do that.

Write your report the way you normally would. Include a list of stolen items (or whatever). Then go back to writing your narrative as usual.

We’ll have more to say about lists in the next post.

This short quiz will help you sharpen your writing skills. Answers are posted below.

1.  Which sentence is better, a or b?

a)  Klemp advised me he’d been at the beach all weekend.

b)  Klemp told me he’d been at the beach all weekend.

2.  Imagine that you’re writing the first sentence in a police report. Which sentence works better, a or b?

a)  On October 22, 2020, at approximately 7:25 pm, I, Officer Carole Pamila, was dispatched to Frank’s Bar and Grill in response to a fistfight.

b) Bartender Daisy Linville told me the fight started while several customers were watching a hockey game on TV.

3. Correct the errors in the sentences below. Sentences may have several errors – or none.

a)  I know your busy, but there waiting for your opinion of the proposed budget changes.

b) Belson said her foot slipped off the brake petal.

c)  I sited Lewis for a parking violation.

ANSWERS

1.  Which sentence is better, a or b?

a)  Klemp advised me he’d been at the beach all weekend.  INCORRECT  [Advised means “counseled.” For clarity, use told.]

b)  Klemp told me he’d been at the beach all weekend.  CORRECT

2.  Imagine that you’re writing the first sentence in a police report. Which sentence works better, a or b?

a) Bartender Daisy Linville told me the fight started while several customers were watching a hockey game on TV.  CORRECT   [Start your report with the first thing you saw, heard, or did at the scene. In this case, you went right over to the bartender to find out what had happened.]

b)  On October 22, 2020, at approximately 7:25 pm, I, Officer Carole Pamila, was dispatched to Frank’s Bar and Grill in response to a fistfight. [Wrong! You already typed your name and the date, time, and location into boxes on your laptop screen. Don’t waste time repeating that information.]

3. Correct the errors in the sentences below. Sentences may have several errors – or none.

a)  I know you’re busy, but they’re waiting for your opinion of the proposed budget changes. [You’re is a contraction of you are. They’re is a contraction of they are.]

b)  Belson said her foot slipped off the brake pedal.  [Brake – part of a car – is correct. A petal is part of a flower. You need the word pedal – the device your foot presses to stop a car.]

c)  I cited Lewis for a parking violation. [A site is a location: a work site, for example. You need cited here.] 

Steve Albrecht is an excellent police writer and a terrific teacher! He published “A Report-Writing Refresher” in the May, 2021 issue of Police Magazine. It is worth reading! Click the link and take a look.

Steve gives some excellent advice about sentence length, avoiding jargon, using active voice, and other issues that show up again and again.

This short quiz will help you sharpen your writing skills. Answers are posted below.

Part I: Correct the usage errors in these sentences. Some sentences may have more than one error.

1. I spent alot of time answering questions about what our department does.

2. The car wouldn’t start, it had a dead battery.

 3. We’re determined not to loose this weekend’s softball game.

Part 2:  What essential information is missing from this sentence?

Julian Santaguido was booked into the county jail.

ANSWERS

Part I:

1.  I spent a lot of time answering questions about what our department does. [A lot is always two words.]

2. The car wouldn’t start. It had a dead battery. [Make sure every sentence ends with a period. Remember that it often starts a new sentence.

3. We’re determined not to lose this weekend’s softball game. [We’re is correct! It’s a contraction of we are. The problem word is lose (to mislay something). Here’s a useful trick: Loose rhymes with moose.]

Part 2:

Who booked him?

Officer Penney booked Julian Santaguido into the county jail.  CORRECT