Here’s a bizarre story. On April 10, a Florida Highway Patrol officer saw three unclothed women lying in the open at an I-75 rest area. The women told the officer to keep his distance. They ran to their Nissan and drove off in a hurry, striking a pedestrian along the way.

You can read the story and the officer’s report at this link: http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/stupid/jeniyah-mcleod-in-custody-041295.

Overall the report is detailed, objective, and thorough. There’s a minimum of jargon, and he used “I” when he recorded his observations and actions.

I encourage you to click the link, read the entire report, and evaluate it yourself. That’s a great way to sharpen your writing skills.

As often happens, I saw opportunities for edits. Here’s an excerpt from the report:

On 410/19 at 10:24 I arrived on scene to the rest area on 1-75 Northbound in reference to 3 naked females. Upon my arrival, I observed 3 younger black females on the lawn North of the building.  All3 females were visibly nude from the parking lot. As I pulled into a parking spot, the females observed me; they began dressing.

My suggestions:

• “I arrived on scene” isn’t necessary
• “in reference to 3 naked females” is unclear. Did someone report them? Was he dispatched?
• You don’t need repetition – “I observed 3 younger black females” and “All3 females were visibly nude”
• “Visibly nude from the parking lot” is confusing

What the officer was trying to accomplish is commendable. If there was a court hearing, he might be asked how he knew the women were undressed.

One solution would be to estimate the distance: “I parked my car approximately 20 feet away. From there I could see that all three were nude.”

One detail from his report adds strength to his account: “they began dressing.” (He also notes that he saw soap and water nearby, and they told him they hadn’t had time to shower earlier.) Overall, it’s an effective report.

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