Brock Turner is a former Stanford University swimming star who was accused of rape in January 2015. A storm of outrage greeted a judge’s decision to sentence Turner to six months in jail (with good behavior, he will probably serve only three months). You can read the latest developments – which include new discoveries about Turner’s past sexual behavior – at this link: http://www.latimes.com/local/lanow/la-me-ln-stanford-attack-20160610-snap-story.html

If you’re trying to learn how to write better reports, the initial police report in the Brock Turner case is worth reading: It is objective, thorough, and jargon free. It’s available at this link: http://www.documentcloud.org/documents/1532973-complaint-brock-turner.html. 

                  Brock Turner

In Chattanooga, Tennessee, a domestic violence case is making news. On May 20 Lacie Stone, senior advisor to Mayor Andy Berke, called police to say that her husband had assaulted her. When the police arrived, Robert Stone, her husband, claimed that she assaulted him. The couple had been arguing about Robert’s fears that Lacie was having an affair with the mayor.

Inconsistencies in the investigation have complicated the case, and Lacie returned to the police department later to make a detailed statement. You can read more at this link. 

Right now I want to focus on the initial police report. (You can download it at www.Scribd.com by using the search terms “Lacie Stone” and “police report.”) Here are three statements that I would recommend for revision. What changes would you make?

1.  The defendant stated he then grabbed the defendant by her belt while she was on the floor and drug her out the door and told her to leave.
2. Both the defendant and victim had evidence of injuries and damaged property to support the report.
3. Lacie Stone was leaving the house for the night and the defendant thew a rock through the back window of her SUV, shattering the window and damaging the window, the frame around the back window, and the back seat, the defendant reported that during the verbal argument, they had a physical altercation over the phone where he was struck in the forehead from her trying to keep her phone.

Here’s my evaluation:

1.  Instead of “the defendant,” I would use “Robert.” “Dragged” is more professional than “drug,” which is slang and not appropriate for an official police report.
2. “Evidence of injuries” is an opinion. In an objective police report, you should describe the injuries: “A bruise above her left eye,” “a three-inch scratch below his right elbow.”
3.  Two sentences are run together. A period after “back seat” will solve the problem:

Lacie Stone was leaving the house for the night and the defendant thew a rock through the back window of her SUV, shattering the window and damaging the window, the frame around the back window, and the back seat. The defendant reported that during the verbal argument, they had a physical altercation over the phone where he was struck in the forehead from her trying to keep her phone.

I’d also suggest writing the second sentence more efficiently. “Fight” is a better choice than “physical altercation,” and some of the other wording is unnecessary. Here’s a suggested revision:

Robert said that they were fighting about the phone. Lacie struck him in the forehead while she was trying to pull the phone away from him.

Dan Bristol, the Chief of Police in Heyburn, Idaho, gives online advice about law enforcement issues. Recently a chicken farmer asked Chief Bristol whether it would make sense to file a police report about a domestic dog that attacked chickens on his farm. You can read Chief Bristol’s response at this link.

Because I’m an animal lover, I’m pleased that Chief Bristol favored reporting the incident to the police – but that’s not the only reason I’m posting the link. Chief Bristol effectively puts the report into a larger context, connecting it to various agencies and legal issues. It’s a concise and well-written explanation about why police reports are so important. Recommended reading!

I often remind officers that a routine report can become newsworthy months – even years – after the incident happens. An ESPN news story about Baylor University is a perfect example of the longevity of police reporting.

Baylor – a Baptist University  in Waco, Texas – was widely criticized some years ago for its dismissive attitude towards misbehavior by Baylor’s football players. According to ESPN, Baylor still has not taken the necessary steps to address the problem.

ESPN’s Outside the Lines obtained a police database of assault cases and matched them against Baylor football rosters from 2011 to 2015.  Although a number of Baylor football players were accused of violent behavior, none were charged or disciplined.

The University says it is investigating. You can read more at this link: http://www.tulsaworld.com/sportsextra/baylor/espn-report-police-records-show-more-violent-incidents-at-baylor/article_3584ef42-b832-51c7-9475-e941e62bde31.html

Tinsley Mortimer is a socialite and TV personality you may have heard of. On April 9 she was arrested for trespassing at the home of Nico Fanjul, with whom she’d previously had a relationship. Tinsley has claimed that Fanjul had committed domestic violence acts against her in the past, and a police report documents an alleged attack in December 24.

You can read a news article about Tinsley at this link: http://www.people.com/article/tinsley-mortimer-more-police-reports-alleged-domestic-violence

The 2014 police report has been posted here: http://radaronline.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/Mercer-Police-Report.pdf

Overall, this is a well-written report – but I have some suggestions for changes. So here’s a challenge for you: Read the excerpts below to see if what changes you would make. Then scroll down to read more my responses. (Incidentally, “Mercer” is Mortimer’s maiden name.)

1. Upon arriving, I assisted Officer Pumalo with an uncooperative subject, later identified as Alexander Fanjul so m 09/25/85.

2. Initially, Fanjul was uncooperative.

3. Fanjul had a strong order of alcohol and appeared to be intoxicated.

4. Contact was made with Mercer’s mother who advised she had not spoken to her since approximately 0200 hours.

5. Fanjul advised that he and his girlfriend, Tinsley Mercer wif 08/11/75 had an argument. Fanjul advised during the argument, Mercer attacked him and scratched him, leaving minor lacerations to his chest, back, and bruising above his right rib cage. Fanjul advised that Mercer left the area after the alleged attack. I checked the premise and did a neighborhood search for the whereabouts of Mercer but ended with negative results. Fanjul advised that officers were called to his residence earlier because of Mercer trespassing. Fanjul advised Mercer left and then came back. Fanjul is unaware if Mercer has a key to the residence. Fanjul advised that if Mercer comes back to his residence that he would like for police to issue a trespass warning.

Here are my comments:

1. Upon arriving, I assisted Officer Pumalo with a man an uncooperative subject, later identified as Alexander Fanjul so m 09/25/85. [Delete “upon arriving” – it’s obvious and doesn’t add anything useful. And delete “an uncooperative subject” because it’s an opinion. 

2. Initially, Fanjul was uncooperative.  [Same problem: “uncooperative” isn’t objective. The report should list Fanjul’s uncooperative behaviors. “Fanjul stood in front of me with his arms folded and did not speak when I talked to him.” “In a loud voice Fanjul told me I had no right to be there and he wasn’t going to answer my questions. He walked into the kitchen and slammed the door.”]

3. Fanjul had a strong order of alcohol and appeared to be intoxicated. [Alcohol is odorless. Also: “appeared to be intoxicated” is an opinion. Preferred: “Fanjul had a strong odor of alcoholic beverage. His pupils were dilated, he slurred his words, and he swayed as he walked toward me.”]

4. Contact was made with Mercer’s mother who advised she had not spoken to her since approximately 0200 hours. [Passive voice is a bad choice because it doesn’t record who talked to her, and how: In person? By phone? Email? A text? And “advised” is the wrong word. It means “counseled” or “suggested.” Use “told” or “said.” Another problem is that “her” is confusing because there are two women, Mercer and her mother. Better: “I telephoned Mercer’s mother, who said she had not spoken to Mercer since about 0200 hours.”]

5. This wordy and repetitious paragraph is inefficient. Write Fanjul’s statement more concisely as a list (also called “bullet style”).

Fanjul told me:

– he and his girlfriend, Tinsley Mercer wif 08/11/75 had an argument

– Mercer attacked him and scratched him, leaving minor lacerations to his chest and back, and bruising above his right rib cage

– Mercer left the area

–  officers were called to his residence earlier because of Mercer trespassing

–  Mercer came back

–  he doesn’t know whether Mercer has a key to the house

 – if Mercer comes back to his house, Fanjul would like for police to issue a trespass warning

                      Tinsley Mortimer

On April 21, police in Chanhassen, Minnesota responded to an emergency medical report about the multi-talented musician Prince. The police report has been released. Here’s the narrative section – a model of good police writing:

On 4/21/2016 at about 0943 hours, sheriff’s deputies were dispatched to a medical call at Paisley Park Audubon Dr., Chanhassen, MN. Sheriff’s deputies and emergency personnel from Chanhassen Fire and Ridgeview Ambulance arrived at about 0948 hours and found an unresponsive adult male in the elevator. They tried to provide lifesaving CPR, but were unable to revive the victim. He was pronounced deceased at 1007 hours. He has been identified as Prince Rogers Nelson (57) of Chanhassen.

A strict grammarian would note one problem with the report:

They tried to provide lifesaving CPR, but were unable to revive the victim.  OMIT THE COMMA

Use a comma with and/but only when you’re joining two sentences. The comma would be correct if the sentence read like this:

They tried to provide lifesaving CPR, but they were unable to revive the victim.  CORRECT

Overall, though, this report is concise, complete, objective, and free of jargon. Well done!

(You can download Commas Made Simple free at this link: )

Last year, in response to calls for more transparency from law enforcement, the White House asked agencies to put police records online in easily searchable formats. More than 50 jurisdictions have signed on – but there’s a problem. According to the Washington Post, some departments have been posting identifying information about crime victims.

For example, the Dallas Police Department posted the names, ages, and home addresses of six people who complained of sexual assault. (Administrators say the posts were made in error, and the names have been removed.) Similar mistakes have been made by other agencies. In at least one case, names were omitted but home addresses were published.

Federal Trade Commission chief technologist Lorrie Cranor says that publishing names, ages, and addresses can put victims of sexual assault and domestic violence at risk. Kaofeng Lee, deputy director of the Safety Net Project at the National Network to End Domestic Violence, agrees. Computer privacy expert Arvind Narayanan says that some departments may not have the technical expertise needed to deal effectively with the privacy issue.

You can read the Washington Post article at this link: http://wpo.st/QhvX1. And you can read about the Police Data Initiative here: https://www.whitehouse.gov/blog/2015/05/18/launching-police-data-initiativ

On January 18, a man in a Mesa, Arizona hotel was fatally shot by a police officer. The man had been showing friends a pellet gun and pointed it out an open window. The officer has been charged with second-degree murder. You can read the entire story at this link.

The incident report has been released, and you can read it by clicking here. 

It’s well written: Thorough, objective, and professional. There are only a few writing problems – remarkable in such a lengthy report.

Since this blog is about tips for better writing, I want to look at one paragraph and suggest some changes. First, read it yourself and see if you would recommend any revisions:

Myself and fellow detectives called to the scene for the investigation were advised Mesa Police had received a “Subject with a Gun” call at 2114 hours at the La Quinta Inn. Officers arrived on scene at 2121 hours. Call comments stated a male subject(s) had been pointing a rifle out of a fifth floor window. The call was dispatched as a Priority E (Emergency) call due to the allegation of someone displaying a firearm from room #502.

Here are my suggestions:

• Change “Myself and fellow detectives” to “Fellow detectives and I” (Never use myself this way).
• “were advised” is jargon. Advise means “counsel” or “recommend.” Use told.
• There’s repetition in the last sentence: “due to the allegation of someone displaying a firearm from room #502.” The reason for dispatching police is already clear from the previous sentence. Strive to write reports as efficiently as possible.

Every officer should develop the habit of reading of reading police reports written by other officers (they’re often posted online). You’ll develop an eye for good writing and the ability to find and correct mistakes.

These skills are especially useful if you’re hoping for a promotion. The time to develop good writing and thinking habits is now – so that you’re prepared when an opportunity for advancement comes your way.

Former Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin has been back in the news recently. Many voters cheered when she endorsed Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump. Less happily, her 26-year-old son Track was recently arrested for domestic violence.

If you read the police report, you will notice that it’s well written – but with one significant problem: A lack of specifics about the reasons for the arrest. Some observers have speculated that the report may not hold up if it’s challenged in court.

Here’s one problematic paragraph:

Upon contacting Palin, he was uncooperative, belligerent, and evasive with my initial line of questions. I asked him numerous times to tell me what happened, why 911 was called, and the location of the female who also called 911. Palin stated he didn’t know where she was and denied that there was a firearm involved, but did state that there were several spread throughout the residence. Due to Palin’s escalating hostility, the unknown whereabouts of the female 911 caller, and Officer safely, Palin was placed into handcuffs.

The first problems I noticed were the use of passive voice:

“Upon contacting Palin” [who contacted him, and how? Was it by phone, or did you meet with him in person?]

“Palin was placed into handcuffs” [by whom?]. 

More seriously, the report describes Palin as “uncooperative, belligerent, and evasive.” and it refers to his “escalating hostility.” But there isn’t a single detail in the report to support those claims. What did he say? Did his body language suggest hostility? Writing down his exact words and gestures would build a case that’s more likely to stand up in court.

The police report actually weakens the case against Palin by recording what he did say: Palin stated he didn’t know where she was and denied that there was a firearm involved, but did state that there were several spread throughout the residence.

It’s quite possible that Palin really was hostile, belligerent, evasive, and so on – but the evidence isn’t there in the report.

In fact experienced officers say that providing specific details might even prevent a court hearing. A defense attorney might not see any point in trying to challenge a report written by an  officer who has proven that he’s a consummate professional.

Bottom line: Be sure to write a detailed police report.

              Sarah Palin