On March 19, three students disrupted a University of Arizona classroom where two Border Patrol agents were talking about career opportunities to members of the Criminal Justice Club. The three protesters were arrested for disorderly conduct and disturbing the police.

You can read the report and learn more about what happened at this link: https://news.azpm.org/p/news-articles/2019/4/16/149844-ua-police-report-details-march-protest/

The report is exceptionally well written. Sentences are crisp and clear. There’s almost no jargon. The reporting is detailed and objective.

I was especially impressed by this sentence from the report:

The agents were trying to continue with their presentation; however, the female was very loud and it caused the presentation to be disrupted.

When you join two sentences with however, you need to use a period or a semicolon, as this officer did. A comma isn’t strong enough to do the job. Well done!

I have a few suggestions:

1.  Upon arrival I observed a female dressed in a black shirt and black jeans yelling from the hallway (leaning forward to get her head inside the classroom).

I would omit upon arrival. It doesn’t add anything useful. Yes, it’s only two words – but once you develop the habit of adding unnecessary words, it can be a time-consuming drag on your efficiency.

2.  I then spoke to X, who advised the room was being used for a club sponsored Criminal Justice event.

Advised means “counseled.” X told you about the room. Don’t capitalize Criminal Justice unless it’s the official title of an organization. Careers aren’t capitalized.

3.  The female was soon joined by a second female who started yelling “murder patrol”.

In the US, periods and commas always go inside the quotation marks: started yelling “murder patrol.”

4.  I did not get the name’s of any of the protesters.

Omit the apostrophe. The names don’t own anything.

Overall, though, this is an exceptionally well-written report.

Here’s a useful practice activity for you. Two Pennsylvania golfers assaulted each other during a dispute over the rules governing puddles of water on a golf course. You can read about the incident here.

The affidavit has been published online, and it’s reproduced below. Here’s your challenge: List the changes that would be needed to transform it into a modern police report. (Scroll down for some suggestions.)

Affidavit of Probable Cause

On 08/03/14 at approx. 1300 hours the following incident took place a the Springdale Golf Course, located in South Union Township, Fayette County. A group of 5, which included the Defendant and the Victim, started playing a round of golf. At some point, early on, it rained, interrupting play. Rain stopped, and play resumed. There was a conversation and somewhat heated debate regarding e rules involving “casual water” on the 5^th green, which was resolved. Play on the 6^th hole continued without incident. All 5 teed off on the 7^th. The Defendant and the Victim ended up about even on opposite sides of the fairway. The rule debate reignited when the Victim stated they are “rolling the ball on the fairway”. The Defendant took odds with that. Words were exchanged. This went back and forth. The Victim was saying things back to the Defendant and pointing his finger at him. The Defendant walks across the fairway, still saying things and pointing his club at the Victim. At this point the Defendant is right up to the Victim, with his club in the Victims face. The Victim put his hand up and said “get that club out of my face”. At this point the Defendant, who had his club in his hand – gripping it up near the head, swung the club, striking the Victim in the left forearm and top of the head. The Victim had put his hand up to deflect the blow, which resulted in the strike to his forearm. The Victim goes down from the blow on all fours. The Victim got up and a scuffle ensued, resulting in both of them being on the ground. During the scuffle, the Defendant was struck in the left side of his face and his lower lip by the Victims fist. The fight was broken up, both men were treated in Uniontown Hospital ER for injuries sustained during this incident. The Victim sustained swelling and redness to the top of his head, a mild concussion, and swelling and redness to his left forearm.

Suggestions:

• You can omit many of the details that happened before the assault. Begin your report at the 7th green:

On 08/03/14 at approx. 1300 hours the following incident took place a the Springdale Golf Course, located in South Union Township, Fayette County. A group of 5, which included the Defendant and the Victim, started playing a round of golf. At some point, early on, it rained, interrupting play. Rain stopped, and play resumed. There was a conversation and somewhat heated debate regarding e rules involving “casual water” on the 5th green, which was resolved. Play on the 6th hole continued without incident. All 5 teed off on the 7th. The Defendant and the Victim ended up about even on opposite sides of the fairway.

• Use names rather than “Defendant” and “Victim”
• Use simple, straightforward sentences to recount what happened. As a busy police officer, you should try to avoid fillers like “The rule debate reignited” and “This went back and forth.”
• Clarify where your information came from. Have one heading for Bryan Bandes and another for Robert Lee Harris. Organizing your report this way enhances your objectivity and credibility. You’re not taking sides; you’re reporting what each person told you.
• Stick to past tense. “The Victim goes down from the blow on all fours” should be rewritten as “Bandes went down on all fours.”
• Avoid wordiness: “The Victim got up and a scuffle ensued, resulting in both of them being on the ground. During the scuffle, the Defendant was struck in the left side of his face and his lower lip by the Victims fist.”
  It would be more efficient to write, “Bandes got up and fought with Harris. Both fell to the ground. Harris used his fist to strike Bandes on the left side of his face and on his lower lip.”
• Stick to active voice. “The fight was broken up” omits important  information: Who broke it up? How? Did you take a statement from that person? That testimony might be important if the case goes to court.
• Use an apostrophe in “Victim’s face,” “Victim’s injuries,” and similar phrases.

(Here’s one more piece of information: The rulebook for golf covers what to do when a ball lands in a mud puddle! The golfer is allowed to move the ball to a green as long as it isn’t placed closer to the hole.)

Here’s a bizarre story. On April 10, a Florida Highway Patrol officer saw three unclothed women lying in the open at an I-75 rest area. The women told the officer to keep his distance. They ran to their Nissan and drove off in a hurry, striking a pedestrian along the way.

You can read the story and the officer’s report at this link: http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/stupid/jeniyah-mcleod-in-custody-041295.

Overall the report is detailed, objective, and thorough. There’s a minimum of jargon, and he used “I” when he recorded his observations and actions.

I encourage you to click the link, read the entire report, and evaluate it yourself. That’s a great way to sharpen your writing skills.

As often happens, I saw opportunities for edits. Here’s an excerpt from the report:

On 410/19 at 10:24 I arrived on scene to the rest area on 1-75 Northbound in reference to 3 naked females. Upon my arrival, I observed 3 younger black females on the lawn North of the building.  All3 females were visibly nude from the parking lot. As I pulled into a parking spot, the females observed me; they began dressing.

My suggestions:

• “I arrived on scene” isn’t necessary
• “in reference to 3 naked females” is unclear. Did someone report them? Was he dispatched?
• You don’t need repetition – “I observed 3 younger black females” and “All3 females were visibly nude”
• “Visibly nude from the parking lot” is confusing

What the officer was trying to accomplish is commendable. If there was a court hearing, he might be asked how he knew the women were undressed.

One solution would be to estimate the distance: “I parked my car approximately 20 feet away. From there I could see that all three were nude.”

One detail from his report adds strength to his account: “they began dressing.” (He also notes that he saw soap and water nearby, and they told him they hadn’t had time to shower earlier.) Overall, it’s an effective report.

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On March 18, 2018, Stephon Clark, a 22-year-old black man, was shot and killed in Sacramento by two police officers who thought Clark was holding a gun. A later investigation showed that Clark was holding a cell phone, not a gun.

The police report has been released and can be read here: https://cbssacramento.files.wordpress.com/2019/03/stephon-clark-police-report.pdf

It is an exceptionally well written report. Sentences are objective. There’s practically no jargon. The officer used everyday words – I, me, we, he, house, and so on:

“I continued my infrared camera search and located a subject standing at what appeared to be a glass door or window in the backyard of XXXX 29th Street.”

“I activated our onboard video recorder and continued my observations.”

My only gripe is that the officer kept using advised instead of said or told. (Please, please – save advise for when you actually give advice!)

Since the shooting and the release of video footage, there have been questions about what happened. You can view the video and read more information at this link: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shooting_of_Stephon_Clark.

                                                  Stephon Clark

Experienced police officers have an astounding ability to pick up a clue that a situation that isn’t quite right long before anyone else notices. “I just had a hunch,” they’ll say. Or they’ll mention something they saw that nobody else paid attention to.

Where does that intuition come from? Training and experience. Over time, the neurons in an officer’s brain reorganize  themselves in response to the challenges of a criminal justice career.

You can encourage your brain to undertake a similar process to sharpen your writing skills. Ever notice how quickly an English teacher or editor can scan and evaluate a composition or article? Again, it’s the result of training and experience.

Here are some practical ways to improve your skills:

1.  Read. It doesn’t have to be professional material. Anything that’s well-written will improve your vocabulary, punctuation, and sentence structure. And anything NOT well-written will sharpen your ability to correct errors.

2.  Listen. Start noticing the speech patterns of people you talk to. What conclusions can you draw about their backgrounds and experience? What verbal habits do you admire?

3.  Write. Moving a pen across a piece of paper or tapping a keyboard instantly activates the language capabilities of your brain. The more time you spend at it, the better you’ll get.

4.  Stay grounded. Some officers – alas – give up any hope of becoming better writers because they think they need to stuff their brains with abstract grammar theory. Not true! Good English usage doesn’t require a lot of fancy terminology. Most rules are easy to learn. (You can find jargon-free explanations and examples right on this website.)

 Go for it! Spending just a few minutes a day thinking about language and practicing your skills will pay off handsomely – and in much less time than you think.

In my files I have a probable cause affidavit about a couple who attacked a coffeeshop employee over an incorrect order. (The wife requested vanilla latte, but she got caramel instead.) It’s a well written document, but there’s some repetition that could have been avoided, saving time for both the writer and the eventual readers.

Here’s what I mean:

– “initially went in the drive thru” – you could omit “initially.” It doesn’t add any useful information.

-“Co-defendant Longo then aggressively approached victim Hall and attempted to strike him at which point the incident became physical.” All you need here is “Co-defendant Longo attempted to strike victim Hall.”

-“several witnesses attempted to break up the fight and separate the parties involved.” You can omit “break up the fight and.” Separate the parties involved says it very well.

Brevity is a virtue – especially in report writing!

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Here’s an interesting question: Can you quote yourself in a report? You already know that it’s important to document statements from victims, suspects, and witnesses. But is it ever necessary to write down your own words?

The answer is yes: Officers often quote themselves in police reports. For example, you might record a question you asked, and then write the response. When I worked in the prison system, I sometimes recorded conversations with inmates to show that they had reacted aggressively to something I asked them to do.

Remember not to record your own statements unnecessarily. For example:

“I asked Johnson what time he’d left for work that morning. He told me he’d left at 7:45. I asked if he’d noticed anything unusual. He said everything was normal.”  REPETITIOUS

That’s repetitious and time consuming. Just write what Johnson told you:

“Johnson said he’d left at 7:45 and didn’t notice anything unusual.”  BETTER

On the other hand, there are a number of reasons you might want to record someone’s response to something you said.  Here’s an example:

I said to George, “What were you and Sarah arguing about?” He said, “It’s none of your damn business, you nosy bitch.”

One more point: In the US, periods and commas always go inside quotation marks. There are no exceptions. Take a look at these examples:

Praeter told me he’d been to a bar with friends and had “one or two drinks.”  CORRECT

“I never touched her,” Winkens said.  CORRECT

Jussie Smollet is an actor who’s been charged with making himself the victim of a fake crime in order to gain publicity.

Some of the reports in his case have been made public. You can read them here:

https://www.scribd.com/document/403352188/CPD-releases-Jussie-Smollett-case-files-PART-1#from_embed?campaign=SkimbitLtd&ad_group=76112X1526402X3afa64efd5f15e08f73e6d9d6982c2bb&keyword=660149026&source=hp_affiliate&medium=affiliate

The reports are professional, detailed, and well written…but wordy. For example, sentences often begin with “R/D asked” and “R/D learned.” Perhaps the officer has been told not to use the word “I” because it might compromise the report.

If you think about it, though – wouldn’t you use “I” in court? I and me are fine professional words.

Efficiency is another issue. Officers often need to decide how much detail is needed in a report. For example, I would omit the sentence in red:

After a quick search of TCF Bank, R/D learned that TCF Bank was closed for Washington’s Birthday. X and X stated they would go with R/D and Det. Theis to the TCF Bank on 19-Feb-2019 when the bank reopened.

Busy officers can streamline reports by omitting repetitious questions (in red below). 

R/D asked and where and when they received and spent the $100 bill tendered to MI SMOLLETT, which was provided to them to buy the rope, masks and hat for this incident. X stated he was pretty sure he received the $100 bill from SMOLLETT on 25-JAN-2019. X stated he was not sure when and where the bill was used. R/D asked how payment was made for the rope, masks and hat and if any receipts were kept for these items. X stated he used loose cash to purchase at the items and kept no receipts.

You can include the rope, masks, hat and receipts in the witness’s answer. Here’s my version:

X stated he was pretty sure he received the $100 bill to buy the rope, masks and hat from SMOLLETT on 25-JAN-2019 . He was not sure when and where he spent the bill. He used loose cash and kept no receipts.

Here’s a police report that needs improvement. What changes would you recommend? Scroll below for a list of problems with the report and some recommendations for fixing them.

This officer was dispatched to a report of criminal mischief at 315 Cooper Lane. Upon arrival the victim related a fence was damaged by what appeared to be a vehicle that was southbound on Cooper Lane. The vehicle left the roadway and after hitting the fence continued northbound. No evidence was left from the vehicle.

First, let’s look at a few problems with wording:

• “This officer” is old-fashioned police jargon – it makes you sound outdated, and it doesn’t enhance the report. Use “I.”
• “Upon arrival the victim…” is a dangling modifier. The victim didn’t arrive: You, the officer, did. Better wording: “Upon my arrival, the victim…”
• “related…” What’s wrong with “said”?

Now let’s look at wording that could cause problems if this report becomes part of a prosecution later on. The officer wrote that the fence “was damaged by what appeared to be a vehicle…” Why did it “appear” to be a vehicle? If the victim doesn’t know what it was, how can she be so sure it traveled southbound after damaging the fence?

The victim seems to have seen something happen to her fence – or perhaps a neighbor saw the incident and told the victim about it. As the investigating officer, you need to be clear about who saw what. Who spoke to you, and what did they say? That could be important in court later on.

The report states “no evidence was left from the vehicle.” What evidence did the officer look for? It would be much better to state that there were no tire tracks on the ground and no paint chips on the broken length of fence. Reporting these details show that you are an effective officer who knows what to look for.

There’s a special subject-verb agreement rule that you should use in either or sentences. (Click on the link and read Rule 3, or just keep reading below.)

Here’s the rule: Pretend the “either” part of the sentence isn’t there. Look only at the or part.

Here’s an example:

Either several cars or a mini-bus (is/are) needed to transport the officers to the parade.

Skip “Either several cars” and go straight to “a mini-bus.” The correct word will be is.

Either a several cars or a mini-bus is needed to transport the officers to the parade.  CORRECT

(Incidentally, this is one of very few times you don’t look at the beginning of a sentence to get the verb right.)

Here’s another one for you to try. The answer appears below.

Either Mrs. Jones or her children (was/were) probably home when the burglary occurred.

Skip “Either Mrs. Jones” and go straight to “her children.”

 Either Mrs. Jones or her children were probably home when the burglary occurred.  CORRECT

One more thing: Neither/nor sentences work the same way.